From a health column in a Nigerian newspaper, a timely warning on the dangers of masturbation. That’s right, this means you, you pervy 98 percent of men and 89 percent of women:

Nonetheless, other dangers of masturbation as spelt out by medical experts include psychological guilt. A chance masturbator stands the risk of nervous-depressing permanent insanity, premature death, especially for those with high blood pressure, diabetes, blood diseases, inability to perform sexual act naturally, etc. Other dangers attached to masturbation sexes include inability to pull out of the act. It has even been documented to cause more deaths among boys in Europe than any plaque [ED– sic, perhaps plague? tho “plaque” is in fact more plausible in context] or war. Masturbation also results in total loss of sexual feelings and desire due to lack of sensation when it is time to actually engage in legitimate sexual intercourse. Quick, early or premature ejaculation is also one of the rewards of regular masturbation.

In girls, the breast development is arrested or retarded and the individual also stands the risk of experiencing spinal irritation resulting from epilepsy as a result of loss of seminal fluid in a male.

Like my intellectual mentor, the good Cap’n Jack D. Ripper, I personally am against anything that supports the international terrorist conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids.